Monday, December 29, 2008

Too bold Current mood: ashamed I wish I could ask some one to be here for me. I wish I didn't have to be alone, I mean I know that I am not in the spiritual sense but in the physical sense I am alone. I have no one. After all the deeds I tried to do just so when it came time that I needed some one .... I knew some day this day would come again when I would be here alone and no one is here with me. I failed at everything. How could I fail so horribly. How could I end up so solitary. Confinement, entrapment, all of these things are surrounding my world while inside I have a peace but I still have a longing for some one to love me enough to just sit here with me thru it. What about all the times I was there for you. What about when your life was hard and I came running, when you had a bad day and I spent my last dollar to make you smile, I can see now it all meant nothing. And now today, this day, here I am by myself. I wish I could ask some one to be here, I wish I could just call and say please do this for me, but what is it worth if you have to ask. Why would I torture some one else into feeling pity for me. Why wasn't I ever worth?while enough for some one to hold on too? Why am I not worth it to stand by? Why am I not worth it for some one to stand up for? If I didn't cry it's because I forgot how too... If I forgot to let you all know I have feelings it's because yours were more important. If you thought that I was strong or maybe after all this maybe everyone could see the real me that I had been trying desperatly to hide, the weak girl that became everything I promised myself I wouldn't, I am trying and working to fix that now, but it takes awhile for all of my foundations to dry and become rebuilt and right now I am just sitting on this crumbled pile of rocks I called my home waiting for the wind to blow me in the right direction, waiting for a sign that this is where I should be, but I can't say it wouldn't be nice to have some one here to hold my hand and say it will be okay, it will be better tomorow we can do it together, I am so exhausted I just want some one to pick me up and carry me thru the rest of this. I don't want to have to fight anymore. I don't want to have to argue or be hurt, I don't want to be the broken girl I have always been, but everything takes patience and time and it's so hard. And the more I reach out to people to try to say help the more vunerable and weak I feel. Idiot, stupid, dumb girl you did this to yourself all the while feeling like you were on top of your self made shack just to sit here in the end and watch it burn into nothing alone. I wish my sister could sing me to sleep, I wish my mother could take away my broken heart, I wish my brother could fight for me, I wish my father could pay it all away. But these are just wishes of my flesh that will never be fufilled nor are they anthing I need to survive. It's just something I want. It's just something that would make the ride smoother. I am sorry to dissapoint but it seems to be a failing passage into the world of heart break and understanding.