Good morning

To myself.... I am ready to move forward. I feel stagnant like I am on welfare already sheesh. My master plan is to get a job this week and then find an apartment. Hopefully one that will let me get a dog so I won't be alone at night without Bradley. Atleast now when I go thru these same emotions of feeling trapped I can recognize them so I won't act out on them. Learning patience is the hardest task so far. Just to sit and wait until I can move foward. One of the hardest and best lessons I have learned is that I am truly alone in this world. It is just me, Jesus, and my son. To the extreme that God has had to teach me this lesson over and over when it comes down to it ... it is just he and I. It's hard because as a human you want to be able to rely on other people, you want to feel that your worth is worthwhile to another person, but when it comes down to it people can only help but to choose themselves. There are people who will be there for a reason, or a season but no one will ever be there forever, for everything like God is. I am excited to be on my own and see the things God has for me in my life. I have complete faith in him no matter what. I have completely lost my fear of this world and am ready to face it with his humbleness. My insides are changing and I can tell the difference. I can feel the difference, I can but that doesn't mean anybody else will know. They will only know by my actions. Patience will be much needed as I am judjed on the person that I once was and grace for the person I am becoming.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

anyone there? To anyone who ever cared. There is no such thing as love. There is no such thing as happily ever after. You can not change people. You can not make people happy. You can not be a servant and expect to be treated like a Queen. If you want to be happy you have to find the key to solitude. How can a person be alone without feeling alone in this world. How can you control your hate to avoid being consumed by it. Can you only truly hate because you have truly loved. Whoever is giving out Get out of Jail Free cards... I need 1 this year. How much can a person live thru without dying of pure heart break. I will survie was written by drunk people living thru their mode of denial. sd

Monday, December 29, 2008

Too bold Current mood: ashamed I wish I could ask some one to be here for me. I wish I didn't have to be alone, I mean I know that I am not in the spiritual sense but in the physical sense I am alone. I have no one. After all the deeds I tried to do just so when it came time that I needed some one .... I knew some day this day would come again when I would be here alone and no one is here with me. I failed at everything. How could I fail so horribly. How could I end up so solitary. Confinement, entrapment, all of these things are surrounding my world while inside I have a peace but I still have a longing for some one to love me enough to just sit here with me thru it. What about all the times I was there for you. What about when your life was hard and I came running, when you had a bad day and I spent my last dollar to make you smile, I can see now it all meant nothing. And now today, this day, here I am by myself. I wish I could ask some one to be here, I wish I could just call and say please do this for me, but what is it worth if you have to ask. Why would I torture some one else into feeling pity for me. Why wasn't I ever worth?while enough for some one to hold on too? Why am I not worth it to stand by? Why am I not worth it for some one to stand up for? If I didn't cry it's because I forgot how too... If I forgot to let you all know I have feelings it's because yours were more important. If you thought that I was strong or maybe after all this maybe everyone could see the real me that I had been trying desperatly to hide, the weak girl that became everything I promised myself I wouldn't, I am trying and working to fix that now, but it takes awhile for all of my foundations to dry and become rebuilt and right now I am just sitting on this crumbled pile of rocks I called my home waiting for the wind to blow me in the right direction, waiting for a sign that this is where I should be, but I can't say it wouldn't be nice to have some one here to hold my hand and say it will be okay, it will be better tomorow we can do it together, I am so exhausted I just want some one to pick me up and carry me thru the rest of this. I don't want to have to fight anymore. I don't want to have to argue or be hurt, I don't want to be the broken girl I have always been, but everything takes patience and time and it's so hard. And the more I reach out to people to try to say help the more vunerable and weak I feel. Idiot, stupid, dumb girl you did this to yourself all the while feeling like you were on top of your self made shack just to sit here in the end and watch it burn into nothing alone. I wish my sister could sing me to sleep, I wish my mother could take away my broken heart, I wish my brother could fight for me, I wish my father could pay it all away. But these are just wishes of my flesh that will never be fufilled nor are they anthing I need to survive. It's just something I want. It's just something that would make the ride smoother. I am sorry to dissapoint but it seems to be a failing passage into the world of heart break and understanding.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Wave of Jello This overwhelming feeilngs that to completly stop and soak in the moments of nothingness will kill me. The thought to just stop and take what I have and be okay with it makes me feel like I will drown. But there is nothing to sink into. There is nothing that will happen, it's all in my head and I can't not get these hands of mine to do what I will. I can not get this world to transform by using my personal power. How long will thoughts of manipulations stay with me, how long will I covet what others have. Why can't I free myself, why can't I get to that place. Is the only way to truly take yourself away from it all and hide from it. Out of sight completly out of my mind. Is there anyone to talk to who could understand me? Is there anyone who has had the same feelings. I am lead to make music but held back by my self. If I could just get these feelings out some how then maybe I could find others like me.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Lost Girl I can't sleep anymore. I just think the cops are going to come and arrest me. It's almost worse than being in jail just waiting for them. Just waiting for something else dumb I did to come bite me. I wanna go hide but there is nowhere left to hide. I wanna run but there is no where to run too. Help, help, help...... help me anybody. I don't want to live like this. I'm sorry for who I was. I am sorry for who I am. I can be a better person even though I deserve what I get. I just don't want to wait in vain for it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I figured it out a little I was so confused at how I could get out of jail and still want to sin. Still want to steal. I thought that I had the answer to truth and that in itself would solve all its problems. The truth is daily prayer was needed .... daily prayer is needed to keep me connected. And the reason I sin is because I am a sinner and I will never truly be perfect or clean. This is how the world works that we live in not something I have chosen. This is a reason to strive daily that will give me something to do besides sit and wait, and maybe now I can work on quieting my mind so that I can experience the world around me instead of just experiences myself and what is going on in my head. To sit quietly and listen is an amazing experience in itself. Anyone that knows me knows that if it is quiet I am talking to ease the silence, but now I am learning to be quiet. Everything that comes out of my mouth is foul or hurtful anyways.... I need to ease up on my own doses of truth I give out and just merely exist instead of trying to be noticed for existing.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Prescription Drugs Infecting People Category: Blogging I was taking 4 different doctor prescribed medications. In the beginning it seemed like the answer to all my problems even my small bladder but in the end it had me completly numb to any and all emotions doing things I would have never dreamed of. I stole from my family. I stole from stores. I was a compulsive liar keeping every detail of my day to day life secret. I became a caretaker to my son instead of his mother. I looked for trouble because I became bored with regular life. The only thing that saved me was jail. The only thing that saved me was my worst fear and I had to face it and God met me there. God was always there watching and waiting for me no matter how far into sin I got. I think he put me in jail to save my life. I was a ticking time bomb always on the verge of explosion. I was never suicidal but if I ran my head into a wall I wouldn't have been afraid of it or cared. There was no inner thoughts besides to keep my hands busy ... and when they became idle the devils work became even more intruiging to me. Stealing became something to do for fun to keep me from being bored. It made me feel smart, it made me feel powerful like I could have anything I wanted with no boundries or rules. I was so detached from any morals or personal feelings that I was on the way to losing my son. I had already lost everything else. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy that today I am alive and am able to be apart of my son's life. Thankfully I am off the drugs, and working towards regathering myself and rebuilding all the relationships that I ruined. Pray for me as I face all that I deserve for all that I am guilty of.